OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
