i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
