it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
