if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
