you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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