TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
