you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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