bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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