Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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