A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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