The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
that is very illegal...i love you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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