I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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