He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
