I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
