I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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