Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize