Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
