I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
