I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
