my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The struggles of a small town man whore
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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