I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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