My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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