This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
