if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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