On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
