I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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