2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
