Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
