I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
