I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
no you cant smoke seaweed
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
