cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
