Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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