i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
