Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
