Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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