you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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