Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
