I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
