1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
