his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
