Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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