smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I cockslap morals
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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