Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Your dad touched me again.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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