he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Randomize
