I faked an abortion last night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
