My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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