I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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