you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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