I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
