she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
