The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
