you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
