Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
