She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize