i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
